IT'S A BOY!!!!

Today was the big day at the Hospital...Ultrasound and aminiocentisis. The little peanut had his first uncooperative appointment with the ultrasound tech. :-) I'm laying there on the table and Nora (ultrasound tech) kept shaking the ultrasound wand over my belly, digging it in trying to get him to move---NOPE. Then, she had me empty my bladder. I jumped up and down for a couple of minutes, I even settled for talking to him---nothing. Nora's last attempt in getting him to move, all you see is this little leg come up with a big kick! I laughed so hard. I said, "If this is him being stubborn in the womb, what will he be like in real life"!!! God help me now! Gish! The radiologist came in. He said to him--to my belly, "Now, you're going to cooperate with me, we have important things to do today to make sure you're healthy". When he put the ultrasound on my belly, he was in perfect position and moving all over the place. Hahaha. The radiologist confirmed the sex. He said, "There it is, no denying it, right there between the left and the right leg...it's swinging...he's got a big one"!

The first phone call I made was to my father! He has been living in a reality called, "God will never bless me with a grandson, I know it's going to be a girl". Well, I called him at work to tell him. I said, "Guess who's going to be cutting wood with you someday"? He said, "Who"? I said, "Jamieson Anothony"!!!! **LONG PAUSE** I said, "Dad...I'm having a boy". He said, "Reaaalllllyyyy"? I said, "Yes, how do you feel knowing that"? He said, "Well, I'll certainly be able to put him to good use". I made up that dad was in shock. I told him to let it all sink in and that I will call him later. I then called my mom. She answered the phone jumping up and down screaming, "What is it? A boy or a girl?". I told her we were having a boy! She giggled and was screaming to everyone at her store that she was having a grandson! I told her about dad's reaction. She said that he was just talking to her on Sunday saying that "it would be too good to be true for Tonya to have a boy". Well dad...here it is...the son you've always wanted. Hahahaha! Just as a grandson! :-) And, yes, Kari and Laura, I still hold the title of "GOLDEN CHILD"---even though gram is no longer here to remind everyone of it. **Giggling**

I've always thought about names from the time I first started trying to get pregnant. I think the key words here are "trying to get"---might have something to do with why I never did back then. :-) Anyway, several years ago, I thought with all of the drugs I was taking that I might end up with twins. I tossed around Olivia and Jamieson. They have both stuck with me through the years. So, at this point, I'm drawn to Jamieson Anthony. Jamieson is gram and gramps last name and Anthony is my dad's name. I like Anthony Jamieson too but I want this kid to have his own first name. Nothing has been etched in stone and I probably won't know until I meet this little guy for the first time. Either way, I love him already and I don't even know him. He's perfect. He's got a lot of personality in the womb. I'm hoping that he's not as stubborn as me or James! God help me now if he is. I will create him as a gentle, loving spirit with an amazing personality. That gives me peace of mind! Hehehe!

Anyway, that's it for now. I love you all!

HAPPY MOTHER's DAY!!!!

Back when I first found out that I was pregnant, I spent some time suffering over what choice to make and all the considerations I had. It just so happen to be Sophie's lucky day when we were chatting back and forth online when I was at one of my "kill me now" moments. Hahaha! She sent me an email that I will now share with all of you....at the end of this. I realized after reading the email that I had been spending so much time thinking about how this pregnancy WAS NOT GOING TO WORK for me and no time at all looking at what could work. I have spent the last 9 years of my life loving my friend's children. I don't know how many times I would come home from work and bake into the late hours of the night making cookies and scooby snacks to put together gift baskets for all major holidays for kids in my life. The amount of joy that it brought me to do that. The email also reminded me of all the things that I have accomplished when most people thought I was INSANE! I was reminded that when I put my mind to something, I'm unstoppable and produce astounding results in my life.

So, I share this with all of you...for the days when you're stopped, accept it. Turn it around by acknowledging what you like about your life, what works about your life. There's always an opportunity, moment by moment to choose which way your day is going to go. Surrender to the reality of what is actually going on and ask yourself, "What do I want to create here"?

Anyway, enjoy this. It's long but all so worth reading!
The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140.00 for a middle-income family.. Talk about price shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition. But $160,140.00 isn't so bad if you break it down.
It translates into:
* $8,896.66 a year
* $741.38 a month
* $171.08 a week
* A mere $24.24 a day!
* Just over a dollar an hour
Still, you might think the best financial advice is; don't have children if you want to be 'rich.' Actually, it is just the opposite.

What do you get for your $160,140.00?
* Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
* Glimpses of God every day
* Giggles under the covers every night
* More love than your heart can hold
* Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs
* Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies
* A hand to hold usually covered with jelly or chocolate
* A partner for blowing bubbles and flying kites
* Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day

For $160,140.00, you never have to grow up. You get to:
* finger-paint
* carve pumpkins
* play hide-and-seek
* catch lightning bugs
* never stop believing in Santa Claus

You have an excuse to:
* keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh
* watch Saturday morning cartoons
* go to Disney movies, and
* wish on stars

You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day. For a mere $24.24 a day, there is no greater bang for your buck.

You get to be a hero just for:
* retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof
* taking the training wheels off a bike
* removing a splinter
* filling a wading pool
* coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and
* coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless

You get a front row seat in history to witness the:
* First step
* First word
* First bra
* First date
* First time behind the wheel

You get to be immortal. You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren and great grandchildren. You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match. You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits, so one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost. That is quite a deal for the price!!!!!!! Love and enjoy your children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren! It's the best investment you'll evermake!

The REGISTRY has just begun...give me a scanner and see me have a ton of fun....

Clearly, the only thing "big" about me are my boobs. They've doubled in size and I think before it's all said and done, if I die my hair blond, I might be a Dolly Parton look a like! I think everything will look balanced once I start showing a little more. This is the little peanut at this point in time!

I went to Bangor with my mother yesterday for a hair cut....MONTHS it has been since the last cut. My hair was out of control. So after we both got sassed up, we met my sister, Kari, and headed to Target to do a little "gender neutral" registering. I've waited YEARS to do this. It was like, "point and click"! Hahaha! I added some things and am waiting for the final news on whether it's a boy or it's a girl!!

Anyway, I'm pooped after days of going through things from my storage unit. It's done and I'm glad. Now, it's packing for NYC---leaving tomorrow and won't be back until Monday night! Then, it's amneocintisis on Tuesday! Stay tuned to find out...boy or girl! :-)

COMPLETING THE PAST...

(The Storage Unit)

(It's Empty....Yayyyy!!!)

("Distribution Center"...AKA, Dad's garage)

(The final Destination...at least at the moment)

One of the areas that I took on was THE STORAGE UNIT!!! (Can you here the music from Star Trek---Daaaahhhh....Dahhhhhh). It's a 10X10 of my personal things STACKED to the TOP---and this is only ONE of TWO!!!!!!!! My parents have been asking me to come to Maine to take care of this and stop paying rent and put it at their house. Well, the last thing I've wanted to do for nearly two years is deal with my past....my divorce, leaving my job in Maine, saying goodbye to friends and family. I gave my word to my family that I would come up and do this before I went to NY for 2nd weekend. Which meant, declaring my past complete. So, to keep a long share short, things that have historically not moved are now moving. I enrolled my family, my sister's boyfriend and one of her friends to come empty the storage unit and take it to my parents. For the last two days, I have powered through my things and it is done. I have experienced FREEDOM---not making myself wrong for the divorce, POWER---doing what I said I was going to do, PEACE OF MIND---knowing that this is no longer hanging over me and FULL BLOWN SELF-EXPRESSION---sharing myself with my family!

You've got to get that anytime I came home to do this, I'd go to the storage unit, open the door, see the heap of boxes and totes, experience anxiety, get emotional, start crying and not want to deal with it, as I closed the door, went home and told my parents I'd have to do it another weekend. The freedom I have gotten by creating the possibility of being courageous, literally moved mountains of my stuff. There was no anxiety, no getting emotional, and no dealing with it. I have spent the last 2 1/2 days laughing, enjoying time with my family and moving forward with my life!

It's amazing what unfolds when you honor your word and be CAUSE IN THE MATTER! Here's to creating a new future!

Thank you Mom & Dad, Kari, Paul and Laura---for your help, your love and your support!

Who would have thought....

...that after years of trying to get pregnant when I was married, that unexpectedly, I am???!!! Yes, the surprise was on me too. I'll never forget being on the phone with Susan and questioning her about birth control and and that I extended it to prevent my period when I was in Toronto visiting James. I'm on the phone telling her that I hadn't started and was that normal--she's a registered nurse. She told me that I messed with my hormones and to wait a week or two and if I didn't start, to definitely go see my doctor! Well, I never started. I took a pregnancy test and was shocked when I saw a faint line on the stick. I paniced, wondering if it was even accurate. Then came the flood of, "WTF, how did this happen, this can't be, not now, I have Burning Man this summer, this isn't part of my plan, GOD HELP MEEEEEEE"!!!!!!!

I waited three days before I called James. It was priceless...he's in the car with two of his friends, on the way to pick up speakers for some party he was going to DJ. He said, "You sound supressed, what's up"? I said, "Well, I don't think it works to talk to you when you're in the car with two friends, I'd like to speak to you when you're alone". He said, "Hey, you can say whatever there is to say". Hahahaha! DRUM ROLL.... I said, "I'm pregnant". In shock, he yelled, "What???!!! Are you f..ing kidding me???!!!". It wasn't funny then but I've had my share of giggles since. Both of us were in a conversation for terminating and then I had chosen to wait until the weekend because I was so conflicted. After a lot of agonizing and looking at all my considerations, I chose to rearrange my life to bring this gift into the world! I called my dr.'s office to find out about blood work to find out how far along I was at that time. He called me later that day and said, "You're more than 4 weeks, your HCG levels are really high which says that you're more than four". So, I went to get an ultrasound to find out how far along I was and I was moved by what I saw on the screen. At 11 1/2 weeks, there was a heart beat, his/her legs and arms were moving all over the place and there were hiccups---as a result of the spleen growing. Never in my life did I imagine I would see a little tiny human being. I thought I'd see some round cellular thing. At that moment, the deal was sealed---the little peanut was alive and real.


When I shared the news with my parents, my father said, "If it's a boy, I'm coming to Massachussetts and moving you back home". Hahahaha! Dad has had a string of girls---even the cats were females!!! The one thing that was really sad for me is not being able to tell my grandmother that she was right! OMG...she's probably saying it from the pearly gates. When Gerry and I weren't getting pregnant, she looked me square in the eyes and said, "Tonya, I'm going to tell you something and I want you to listen--(her famous last words), you won't have a child until your late 30's---close to 40. So you can keep doing what you're doing, but that's the way it's gonna be". Of course I freaked out and started crying when she said that, but here I am, 35...not far from 40. I'm sad that she will not be here to share that with me or that my child will not know her---crack lady and all. ;-)


So, now that I'm starting to show, my breasts look like a freight train coming and my clothes no longer fit the way I'd like them to, I thought I'd start sharing with the rest of the world. Some of you already know, some of you will find out when you read this. All is good! It's like growing up all over again!


Well, life will never be boring ever again!



Peace and love!

Christmas in the UK...

I never thought I would ever spend Christmas abroad and this year, I was given the opportunity to do that. These are some of the many pictures that I will be posting!! The picture above is Tower Bridge...absolutely breathtaking up close!

This is the Gherkin Building...also featured in a 007 movie. I was completely facscinated with the architecture of the building...so modern against the back drop of such historical buildings!

St. Paul's Cathedral....had to download pictures from the interior because I couldn't take any in the building. :-)

And, of course, Westminster Abbey! Many hours were spent touring this amazing structure...and a lot of time waiting in line to see it! I was moved to tears by the energy in being in that space.

I'll continue to post pictures...stay tuned!

Christmas in the 70's....

This was Gram...always the famous expression of a gift well thought out!
And a great picture of my grandfather sipping coffee...

I always spent oodles of time with my Grandfather. He'd have Gram come and pick me up to come over to the house and notoriously, he'd sit down after dinner, turn on 60 minutes while I escaped upstairs to play in my grandmother's beautiful pink and black bathroom! It was the lady powder puff and the fiber optic light that I loved to play with. I would always end up getting caught, Gram would get upset with Gramp that he stopped paying attention to me....

How can you not love this face! I was two years old and we had just moved into the house my father built. No rug yet. Got to love paneling!

Let's cover up the baby and put her to rest...

The following year...one of my most prized possesions...the pink, sparkly bassinet!!! Loved this. I thought that my parents would have saved it. Mom said that dad got up in the attic and started trashing everything. I managed to save Cookie Montster and some other old childhood animals! One was my teddy bear that I loved so much, it hardly has any fur.

And really....how can you have a new bassinet, baby and no highchair! I was a spoiled, spoiled child at Christmas...well....that's not true...spoiled all my life! This was just what was caught on film! ;-)

And who could foget the knitting that my grandmother did. This was a product of a knitting machine that my grandfather bought her one year. She also made our Christmas stockings too. I just don't know what I did with mine! From Left to Right...Me, Kari, Laura, Cousins Phillip and Lloyd! We all loved Christmas!