A shift in my listening of men....

It's Memorial Day weekend, I'm sitting in a chair at my friend Andrea's house, getting ready to watch the movie, "Incredible Hulk". Andrea is still expecting another friend to show up. A minute later, a knock on the door and she runs up to greet her friend.

He comes downstairs, pulls up a rocking chair and sits right beside me. I'm social so I start chatting with him while he eats and we're waiting for Andrea to come start the movie.

The night ends and we're all leaving. He follows me from Andrea and Rob's--Marblehead can be a little tricky getting out. So, at a red light, he pulls up to me and starts to say something and then makes a hand gesture as if to say, "Never mind". I sent him a text message saying, "What did you want to say at the light". His response: "Um, I was working towards asking if you were seeing anyone. Probably not the most opportune time but I was a little embarrassed at the house because someone great, gorgeous and with a child is most likely taken. Then Andrea said you had your heart broken and I could do with spending some time with someone great. So, you're taken, right? Otherwise....would you like to go out"?

Completely flattered. Here's a guy who's spent only a few hours with me, short conversations and mostly watching me watch a movie. :-) In that moment, I realized that it IS possible that there REALLY are great men interested in me--including this little peanut in my belly! YAYYYY to great men!!!!! ;-)

Memorial Day Weekend!

Here I am...4 1/2 months along!!! My belly started to really pop the last 2 weeks and I'm feeling fabulous. I've shared with a lot of people that I've created a "covert operation"....Operation Hot Momma!! I'm still wearing my regular clothes which is exciting! I've also lost 3lbs! I've gotten beyond the "cravings" for Italian pastries. Although I must say, cereal is by far an addition to my daily routine. James just mailed me a package of Shreddies. I can't find them here in the US so he sent me a box from CAN! How sweet! ;-) It's sitting at the P.O. until it opens on Tuesday.

Anyway...had a great time at Rob and Andrea's for their Memorial Day weekend BBQ!!! They made corn on the cob on the grill----YUMMMMMMY!!! I'm feeling my best---physically, emotionally and spiritually. Great things are happening in my life!

Happy Memorial Day to everyone!!! xoxoxo

Cleaning out Storage Units & Completing the Past: Produces Results!

"Hi Tonya:

It was a pleasure to meet you on Wednesday. We were impressed with you from many aspects; your confidence, poise, professionalism and transparent frankness.These among many are attributes we look for...."

This was part of a letter from Dr. Kurban, one of the two dentists I interviewed with on Wednesday for a Practice Management position. Litterally, when I walked off the elevator and into their practice, my experience was one of being in a dream. Since I left Club-E and started interviewing in MA 1 1/2 years ago at other dental practices, I never thought I would find another practice with such a committment to patients, appearance of practice, the relationships of staff to one another. I thought I'd left that at Club-E. Well, I found one notch above (sorry Peter and Mikki). This dental practice is soooooooooo high end, even a duchess like myself is having a hard time believing it's really true! :-) This practice not only manages patient care, but also adds in a little "spa" treatment too. They do not stop with manicures and pedicures---we're talking massages!!! Now, who would decline that?? ;-)

Either way, I caused this job in less than a week. I am going there next Wednesday and Thursday for a paid "working interview" to experience being with the team to ensure that we all get along! I am thrilled and cannot wait to go!!!

Farewell my friend Scott...

It was a cold February morning when I was at the gym at Kennebec Valley Health Club. It was my first week there and I was working out when this tall guy in glasses walks up and introduces himself as Scott. He asked me a load of questions and was there with some other guy. I giggled and looked at him and said, "Let me guess, you're a car sales man". Stopped him dead in his tracks. Shocked, he asked me how I knew that, I said, "You have behavior like that of someone who sells cars". His friend started laughing and said, "She's good Scotty...she nailed you"...(he's the finance manager of a car dealership). That was six years ago.

My friend Scott is another one of my friends who has been there for me through thick and thin. When you first meet him, you'd never know he has a heart the size of Texas but that's because he hides it so well. He's been there through me losing weight...always kept pushing me to my max and challenging me. He knew my goal was to get pregnant (that was back when I was married). He also knew my love for children. He was a great space for me to vent when I was going through my divorce and when I moved to MA. He's even helped me financially in one of my worst times since I've been down here.

Recently, he's been dealing with his divorce. He's got two beautiful girls and it has been breaking his heart to have them go through it too. Today, I got a phone call from him that in a MILLION years I never expected. I'm on the phone with him watching six years of my friendship with him flash by as I listen to him tell me he and I can no longer be friends. He told me he decided to go back home and work it out. I told him that I support anything he chooses as long as it makes him happy. The next thing he said, "One of my wife's ultimatums is that I never speak to you again". Confused and tearful I asked why. He said, "For some reason, she has it like we were intimate even though she has no evidence". Part of me wanted to lash out and be really angry and the other part of me totally got it. I did say, "Does she know I'm pregnant and am living 100's of miles away"? I told him I am happy for him that he has chosen to work it out.

Either way, I am sad. Out of all of this, what I came to realize is that I have supported him in being the person he wants to be and he chose to create newly his relationship with his wife...which is HUGE!! Somewhere in our many conversations, I inspired him in sharing my life and he took his life on. I just got that he gave me the biggest gift...for him to realize that things can really work out with him and his family! Bittersweet and beautiful all at once.

So, Scott...good-bye! Thank you for being in my life as long as you were. I am committed that your life turns out and that you're happy, satisfied and fulfilled. Perhaps someday, all of this will change and you'll actually get to be a part of my life again. Until then, I love you and thank you for what you added to my life!

Baby's First Shirts....

This is from Andrea and Rob...Andrea remarked that the Lobster's can represent Marblehead or Maine! I can totally see this with a long sleeve red shirt underneath...Soooo cute!

This is from Forrest and Justine---they know how I love astrology and thought that the little peanut deserved his own Scorpio T shirt!!! Hahahaha!

Thank you guys! These were fun to receive and I can't wait to put them to good use!!!!

Through THICK and THIN...

Today as I was going through some pictures, I came across quite a few of the many escapades that Erik and I have had over the years. He's my best "male" friend and has been there for me in my darkest moments through my most beautiful moments. I started to tear up as I laughed at some of the times we've shared. From me going on staff at Landmark Education and the person he chose to be for me and the space he always provided while I was not always the most pleasant person to be with. In fact, I was intollerable! I was SOOOOO intollerable, even I couldn't be with me most days when I was on staff! ;-) Hahahaha! He's been there through my divorce, my move to Boston, my grandmother's death, helping me financially and most recently, my news of being pregnant.

We've traveled parts of the world together! Antigua, Belgium, Holland---the fun times in Amsterdam. The picture above was in one of the castles we toured in Holland. I'll never forget our trip to Antigua. First...our luggage was lost and didn't show up until the following day. Then, we were getting ready to go out and realized that money had been stolen from our hotel room. It took 1/2 a day for the local PD to show up, then when we were being asked questions, the cop said, "You're saying someone came in your room, stole money but didn't take any of your bags of jewelry"? Errrrr!!!!

Then, there have been our many disagreements--and knock down, drag out fights... when we've been soooo RIGHT that the other person was soooo WRONG and were both brought to laughter at the audacity of what we were fighting about.

And, of most recent, he's been my rock that I can crash up against since I found out that I was pregnant. He's seen me be sad, mad, scared, freaked out, excited, joyful...you name it, he's seen it. He's been there for my first ultrasound shortly after I found out I was pregnant and there during my amniocentisis. And, no matter what, at the end of the day, he loves me for all that I am and all that I'm not and he always stands for my inner beauty and listens to me as a powerful, unstoppable woman.

Thank you Erik, for being in my life, for the beauty you add to my life, for reminding me that I am human with every emotion that is always evoked within me in our many different conversations. Hahahaha! Thank you for being with me through my most difficult times and most joyous moments. Thank you for being generous with your love, committed to our friendship and growing up with me in this amazing journey called LIFE!

The Universe Has Spoken:

Act with faith, Tonya. Prepare the way for your inevitable success. To the degree you can, behave as if your dreams have already come true, as if you already owned a car and health, as if later today you were going to have a fabulous career. And you shall see the power you wield as the floodgates begin to tremble, the elements begin to conspire, people in your life begin to change, insights are summoned, comprehensions soar, and clarity is born.
Not to mention fierce, wild animals laying down when you pass by - The Universe

I get these every morning when I wake up and I read them and don't really think to much about them. Today, however, when I received this, I was already in action sending out another 15 resumes! I read this and thought, "Well, this actually speaks to me and what I'm committed to creating". I was inspired by it and thought I would share it with all of you. ;-)

I have been known by many people in my life that when I put my mind to something, I make the unimagineable happen. I'm reminded of my strength and power today. Over two years ago, I got a divorce. I left my beautiful home, put my stuff in storage, gave 2 months Notice to Evergreen Dental and declared moving to Boston and finding a job. I did this without even knowing what I'd be doing for work. That's when I chose being on staff at Landmark Education. During those months before I moved, I had my truck broken into---over $1000.000 worth of stuff stolen out of it--mostly clothes. I was staying between Forrest and Justine's, the bed in the basement of Club-E and sometimes at home with my parents (only becuase they lived an hour away from where I worked). In the face of all those circumstances, my life worked. It wasn't glamorous. It wasn't the "Martha Stewart" life I was leading but you know, I DID IT! I took on my life and creating moment by moment how I wanted it to go.

Two years later, I'm faced with being a single mom, no job, having to locate a new place to live and all of this by August 1st! It's like TWO MONTHS away! I looked within myself and said, "You've done this before, what are you going to create"? That's when I declared that I will be living in Salem, MA near the water, with a job that I love and money that I want to make. Now, I don't know how to make it happen but I do know that I have everything I need to make it happen. And, I also have my parents who would love nothing more than for me to move back to Maine. At least I'm not going to give up without a good challenge and taking this on!

My request is that you listen to me as UNSTOPPABLE, POWERFUL and someone who makes things happen! :-) Do you accept?

IT'S A BOY!!!!

Today was the big day at the Hospital...Ultrasound and aminiocentisis. The little peanut had his first uncooperative appointment with the ultrasound tech. :-) I'm laying there on the table and Nora (ultrasound tech) kept shaking the ultrasound wand over my belly, digging it in trying to get him to move---NOPE. Then, she had me empty my bladder. I jumped up and down for a couple of minutes, I even settled for talking to him---nothing. Nora's last attempt in getting him to move, all you see is this little leg come up with a big kick! I laughed so hard. I said, "If this is him being stubborn in the womb, what will he be like in real life"!!! God help me now! Gish! The radiologist came in. He said to him--to my belly, "Now, you're going to cooperate with me, we have important things to do today to make sure you're healthy". When he put the ultrasound on my belly, he was in perfect position and moving all over the place. Hahaha. The radiologist confirmed the sex. He said, "There it is, no denying it, right there between the left and the right leg...it's swinging...he's got a big one"!

The first phone call I made was to my father! He has been living in a reality called, "God will never bless me with a grandson, I know it's going to be a girl". Well, I called him at work to tell him. I said, "Guess who's going to be cutting wood with you someday"? He said, "Who"? I said, "Jamieson Anothony"!!!! **LONG PAUSE** I said, "Dad...I'm having a boy". He said, "Reaaalllllyyyy"? I said, "Yes, how do you feel knowing that"? He said, "Well, I'll certainly be able to put him to good use". I made up that dad was in shock. I told him to let it all sink in and that I will call him later. I then called my mom. She answered the phone jumping up and down screaming, "What is it? A boy or a girl?". I told her we were having a boy! She giggled and was screaming to everyone at her store that she was having a grandson! I told her about dad's reaction. She said that he was just talking to her on Sunday saying that "it would be too good to be true for Tonya to have a boy". Well dad...here it is...the son you've always wanted. Hahahaha! Just as a grandson! :-) And, yes, Kari and Laura, I still hold the title of "GOLDEN CHILD"---even though gram is no longer here to remind everyone of it. **Giggling**

I've always thought about names from the time I first started trying to get pregnant. I think the key words here are "trying to get"---might have something to do with why I never did back then. :-) Anyway, several years ago, I thought with all of the drugs I was taking that I might end up with twins. I tossed around Olivia and Jamieson. They have both stuck with me through the years. So, at this point, I'm drawn to Jamieson Anthony. Jamieson is gram and gramps last name and Anthony is my dad's name. I like Anthony Jamieson too but I want this kid to have his own first name. Nothing has been etched in stone and I probably won't know until I meet this little guy for the first time. Either way, I love him already and I don't even know him. He's perfect. He's got a lot of personality in the womb. I'm hoping that he's not as stubborn as me or James! God help me now if he is. I will create him as a gentle, loving spirit with an amazing personality. That gives me peace of mind! Hehehe!

Anyway, that's it for now. I love you all!

HAPPY MOTHER's DAY!!!!

Back when I first found out that I was pregnant, I spent some time suffering over what choice to make and all the considerations I had. It just so happen to be Sophie's lucky day when we were chatting back and forth online when I was at one of my "kill me now" moments. Hahaha! She sent me an email that I will now share with all of you....at the end of this. I realized after reading the email that I had been spending so much time thinking about how this pregnancy WAS NOT GOING TO WORK for me and no time at all looking at what could work. I have spent the last 9 years of my life loving my friend's children. I don't know how many times I would come home from work and bake into the late hours of the night making cookies and scooby snacks to put together gift baskets for all major holidays for kids in my life. The amount of joy that it brought me to do that. The email also reminded me of all the things that I have accomplished when most people thought I was INSANE! I was reminded that when I put my mind to something, I'm unstoppable and produce astounding results in my life.

So, I share this with all of you...for the days when you're stopped, accept it. Turn it around by acknowledging what you like about your life, what works about your life. There's always an opportunity, moment by moment to choose which way your day is going to go. Surrender to the reality of what is actually going on and ask yourself, "What do I want to create here"?

Anyway, enjoy this. It's long but all so worth reading!
The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140.00 for a middle-income family.. Talk about price shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition. But $160,140.00 isn't so bad if you break it down.
It translates into:
* $8,896.66 a year
* $741.38 a month
* $171.08 a week
* A mere $24.24 a day!
* Just over a dollar an hour
Still, you might think the best financial advice is; don't have children if you want to be 'rich.' Actually, it is just the opposite.

What do you get for your $160,140.00?
* Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
* Glimpses of God every day
* Giggles under the covers every night
* More love than your heart can hold
* Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs
* Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies
* A hand to hold usually covered with jelly or chocolate
* A partner for blowing bubbles and flying kites
* Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day

For $160,140.00, you never have to grow up. You get to:
* finger-paint
* carve pumpkins
* play hide-and-seek
* catch lightning bugs
* never stop believing in Santa Claus

You have an excuse to:
* keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh
* watch Saturday morning cartoons
* go to Disney movies, and
* wish on stars

You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day. For a mere $24.24 a day, there is no greater bang for your buck.

You get to be a hero just for:
* retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof
* taking the training wheels off a bike
* removing a splinter
* filling a wading pool
* coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and
* coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless

You get a front row seat in history to witness the:
* First step
* First word
* First bra
* First date
* First time behind the wheel

You get to be immortal. You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren and great grandchildren. You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match. You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits, so one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost. That is quite a deal for the price!!!!!!! Love and enjoy your children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren! It's the best investment you'll evermake!

The REGISTRY has just begun...give me a scanner and see me have a ton of fun....

Clearly, the only thing "big" about me are my boobs. They've doubled in size and I think before it's all said and done, if I die my hair blond, I might be a Dolly Parton look a like! I think everything will look balanced once I start showing a little more. This is the little peanut at this point in time!

I went to Bangor with my mother yesterday for a hair cut....MONTHS it has been since the last cut. My hair was out of control. So after we both got sassed up, we met my sister, Kari, and headed to Target to do a little "gender neutral" registering. I've waited YEARS to do this. It was like, "point and click"! Hahaha! I added some things and am waiting for the final news on whether it's a boy or it's a girl!!

Anyway, I'm pooped after days of going through things from my storage unit. It's done and I'm glad. Now, it's packing for NYC---leaving tomorrow and won't be back until Monday night! Then, it's amneocintisis on Tuesday! Stay tuned to find out...boy or girl! :-)

COMPLETING THE PAST...

(The Storage Unit)

(It's Empty....Yayyyy!!!)

("Distribution Center"...AKA, Dad's garage)

(The final Destination...at least at the moment)

One of the areas that I took on was THE STORAGE UNIT!!! (Can you here the music from Star Trek---Daaaahhhh....Dahhhhhh). It's a 10X10 of my personal things STACKED to the TOP---and this is only ONE of TWO!!!!!!!! My parents have been asking me to come to Maine to take care of this and stop paying rent and put it at their house. Well, the last thing I've wanted to do for nearly two years is deal with my past....my divorce, leaving my job in Maine, saying goodbye to friends and family. I gave my word to my family that I would come up and do this before I went to NY for 2nd weekend. Which meant, declaring my past complete. So, to keep a long share short, things that have historically not moved are now moving. I enrolled my family, my sister's boyfriend and one of her friends to come empty the storage unit and take it to my parents. For the last two days, I have powered through my things and it is done. I have experienced FREEDOM---not making myself wrong for the divorce, POWER---doing what I said I was going to do, PEACE OF MIND---knowing that this is no longer hanging over me and FULL BLOWN SELF-EXPRESSION---sharing myself with my family!

You've got to get that anytime I came home to do this, I'd go to the storage unit, open the door, see the heap of boxes and totes, experience anxiety, get emotional, start crying and not want to deal with it, as I closed the door, went home and told my parents I'd have to do it another weekend. The freedom I have gotten by creating the possibility of being courageous, literally moved mountains of my stuff. There was no anxiety, no getting emotional, and no dealing with it. I have spent the last 2 1/2 days laughing, enjoying time with my family and moving forward with my life!

It's amazing what unfolds when you honor your word and be CAUSE IN THE MATTER! Here's to creating a new future!

Thank you Mom & Dad, Kari, Paul and Laura---for your help, your love and your support!